Fragment 1611

The Collected Sayings of Mr Samuel Weller

1. Reg’lar rotation’, as Jack Ketch said, ven he tied the men up.
2. What the devil do you want with me’, as the man said, wen he see the ghost?
3. Out vith it, as the father said to his child, when he swallowed a farden.
4. No one else ‘ll do, as the devil’s private secretary said ven he fetched avay Doctor Faustus.
5. There’s nothin’ so refreshen’ as sleep, sir, as the servant girl said afore she drank the egg–cupful of laudanum.
6. If you walley my precious life don’t upset me, as the gen’l’m’n said to the driver when they was a–carryin’ him to Tyburn.
7. I think he’s the wictim o’ connubiality, as Blue Beard’s domestic chaplain said, vith a tear of pity, ven he buried him.
8. It’s over, and can’t be helped, and that’s one consolation, as they always says in Turkey, ven they cuts the wrong man’s head off.
9. Hope our acquaintance may be a long ’un, as the gen’l’m’n said to the fi’ pun’ note.
10. Wery sorry to ‘casion any personal inconwenience, ma’am, as the housebreaker said to the old lady when he put her on the fire.
11. There; now we look compact and comfortable, as the father said ven he cut his little boy’s head off, to cure him o’ squintin’.
12. Fine time for them as is well wropped up, as the Polar bear said to himself, ven he was practising his skating,
13. Oh, quite enough to get, Sir, as the soldier said ven they ordered him three hundred and fifty lashes.
14. Hooroar for the principle, as the money–lender said ven he vouldn’t renew the bill.
15. Come, Sir, this is rayther too rich, as the young lady said when she remonstrated with the pastry–cook, arter he’d sold her a pork pie as had got nothin’ but fat inside.
16. Allow me to express a hope as you won’t reduce me to extremities; in saying wich, I merely quote wot the nobleman said to the fractious pennywinkle, ven he vouldn’t come out of his shell by means of a pin, and he conseqvently began to be afeered that he should be obliged to crack him in the parlour door.
17. Nothin’ less than a nat’ral conwulsion, as the young gen’l’m’n observed ven he wos took with fits.
18. If this don’t beat cock–fightin’ nothin’ never vill, as the lord mayor said, ven the chief secretary o’ state proposed his missis’s health arter dinner.
19. I leave all that ‘ere to you. It’s a great deal more in your way than mine, as the gen’l’m’n on the right side o’ the garden vall said to the man on the wrong un, ven the mad bull vos a–comin’ up the lane.
20. P’raps if vun of us wos to brush, without troubling the man, it ’ud be more agreeable for all parties, as the schoolmaster said when the young gentleman objected to being flogged by the butler
21. Anythin’ for a quiet life, as the man said wen he took the sitivation at the lighthouse.
22. He’s a malicious, bad–disposed, vorldly–minded, spiteful, windictive creetur, with a hard heart as there ain’t no soft’nin’, as the wirtuous clergyman remarked of the old gen’l’m’n with the dropsy, ven he said, that upon the whole he thought he’d rayther leave his property to his vife than build a chapel vith it.
23. Avay vith melincholly, as the little boy said ven his schoolmissus died.
24. This is rayther a change for the worse, Mr. Trotter, as the gen’l’m’n said, wen he got two doubtful shillin’s and sixpenn’orth o’ pocket–pieces for a good half–crown.
25. If you know’d who was near, sir, I rayther think you’d change your note; as the hawk remarked to himself vith a cheerful laugh, ven he heerd the robin–redbreast a–singin’ round the corner.
26. I only assisted natur, ma’am; as the doctor said to the boy’s mother, after he’d bled him to death.
27. Wotever is, is right, as the young nobleman sveetly remarked ven they put him down in the pension list ‘cos his mother’s uncle’s vife’s grandfather vunce lit the king’s pipe vith a portable tinder box.

And two from his father, Mr Tony Weller
1. Vether it’s worth while goin’ through so much, to learn so little, as the charity boy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet, is a matter of taste.
2. It’s all for my own good; vich is the reflection vith which the penitent schoolboy comforted his feelin’s ven they flogged him.