If I
learned anything about life during college, it was to turn away from my
shattered ego and move on.
Notes
of a Crocodile describes the
college years of a young gay Taiwanese woman, her various lovers and friends
during the later 1980s and early 1990s in Taipei. Like most coming-of-age
novels it describes the heartbreak of youth, the gaining of experience through
the harsh blows of the world, the exaltations and despairs of first love, the
gradual coming together of a sense of self, of a sense of destiny. And like
most coming out novels it describes the sense of isolation from society as the
first realisations of same sex desire dawn, the sense of an already fragile,
fledgling egohood rendered even more precarious by the knowledge of an
otherness, the knowledge that one is becoming an unwilling transgressor against
society.
Lazi (pronounced lah-dze) and her friends
spend their lives in the time honoured fashion of students everywhere: falling
in and out of love, reading, attending classes, doing assignments, bickering,
sleeping and earning pocket money, and analyzing every nuance of their
relationships in midnight conversations. Their adventures are presented as a
series of achronological entries in eight notebooks. The entries include
reportage, love letters, records of conversations, sly vignettes and lyrical
descriptions of Taipei, fragments, diary entries; the style ranges from the face-burningly
personal – one or two of the love letters had me wincing – to the sardonic,
from the wittily epigrammatic to a kind of freewheeling prose poetry. Imagine
Haruki Murakami meets Banana Yoshimoto meets Rimbaud. Some sections appear to have
been written right after the events, or even as those events unfold, giving
them a rawness, an immediacy that can be quite unsettling, while others appear
to have been written long after and come with the benefit of hindsight and
reflection. The emotional intensity is relieved by satirical newsflashes about
a plague of crocodiles that has overtaken the nation. Citizens are urged to
exercise caution and be on the lookout for crocodiles wearing human suits and
posing as real people. There is a hotline for callers to report sightings…
However, some of the entries often come
across as being the mere rantings and bleatings of a rather self obsessed,
overeducated but underloved overgrown child; a girl who has not yet learned the
harsh truths about growing up,: that you are not as important and as unique as
you think you are; an artist who has not yet learnt how to distance herself
from her experiences to make them truly universal, (a kind of Taiwanese Sylvia
Plath). At times, the novel seems to be little more than a ‘lightly
fictionalized autobiographical account’ (words which must make many an editor’s
heart sink) of growing up in Taipei. The
fragmentary form of the novel only reinforces this impression of something half
finished. One wonders, on first encounter with this text, what interest, what relevance,
the half-baked descriptions of the trials of a college student from Taiwan can
have for a reader with no knowledge of Taiwan or of Lazi’s milieu, beyond the
obvious curiosity factor. One wonders also as to the book’s and the author’s
cult status here in Taiwan.
Well. The narrator is highly intelligent,
highly literate and highly self aware. There are references to Western
literature and culture (but strangely, almost none to Chinese writers and
culture). At one point when the narrator is torn between her desire for total
solitude and her desire for social interaction, she wittily describes herself
as clutching her copies of One Hundred
Years of Solitude in one hand, and Lust
for Life in the other. The form of the novel is said to have been inspired
by the techniques of Derek Jarman and Genet. The translation is very good
indeed: Bonnie Huie does an excellent job of capturing in English the Chinese
speech patterns in the long stretches of dialogue, and even manages to convey
some of the word play and puns that Lazi and her friends indulge in.
For Lazi’s is not only a queer coming of
age, but a search for a self in existentialist terms that speaks directly to
many (young) people in Taiwan, of whatever orientation. Lazi writes:
Most people go through life without ever living. They
say you have to learn how to construct a self who remains free in spite of the
system. And you have to get used to the idea that it’s every man for himself in
this world. It requires a strange self-awareness, whereby everything down to
the finest detail must be performed before the eyes of the world.
College in Taiwan represents the first time
Taiwanese youngsters can take a breather from the utterly relentless round of
examinations and cramming that has marked their childhood and early
adolescence, and deal with the pleasures and the pains, the stresses and
strains of growing up. This is not so much to say that Taiwanese are late
developers in that sense, but more to note how the search for identity and a
role in life preoccupies Western teens at a much earlier age when perhaps their
ability to articulate their feelings has not caught up. Happening later, in
their college years, Taiwanese are more able to articulate their dilemmas, to
themselves and to their friends, and their diaries.
Reconciling the desire for
self-determination and the need to meet parental and social expectations is a
highly stressful and difficult balancing act that many highly educated young Taiwanese
experience as an existentialist dilemma, as do the characters in the novel. One
of Lazi’s friends articulates this as coming up against the wall of absurdity, a description that references both Sartre
and Camus, and Dostoevsky. Another, marginal, character, a boy named Nothing by
his friends, has scarred his face with a knife in episodes of self harm:
He vowed to cut through the other self that had been
handed to him by other people. It wasn’t the real him. Then he traveled around
the world with just a backpack and became his true self.
The existentialist dilemma is most
particularly marked in two overlapping areas: family expectations, and gender
roles. Lazi writes of her relationship with her family:
I let them form a new image of me. It’s been a
constant struggle. I’ll always feel love for them and have basic needs to be
met, so it takes courage to draw the line. But if I don’t, my love for them and
my needs will become bargaining chips that I have to exchange for my
independence.
Lazi is studying Gabriel Marcel, the French
Christian existentialist, (who is also a key influence on Qiu Miaojin’s final
book, Last Words from Montmartre) one
of whose main concerns was how an individual can create and maintain loyalty (fidelite) to a group without
compromising their existential selfhood. Marcel’s concept of fidelite can stand in for the Chinese
concept of filial piety (xiàoshùn
孝順). It’s telling that Lazi and her
friends turn to Western works rather than Chinese works to help them deal with
their crises, presumably because the Chinese classics with their emphasis on xiàoshùn孝順will be no help to them.
Qiu Miaojin was writing in a time when
Taiwan was only just beginning to make the transition from martial law, into what
it is today: one of the most forward looking democracies in Asia, with a woman
president, with firm and unquestioned rule of law, equal opportunities for both
genders, the biggest Pride festival in Asia (an estimated 100,100 attended this
year’s event) and a well-coordinated and vocal LGBT rights movement that has
recently secured from the Supreme Court a ruling that will make same sex
marriage constitutionally legal in two years, so far the only country in Asia
to do so. However, back in the late 80s/early 90s, Lazi revolts when she
considers the traditional gender roles that have been assigned to her. Human
relationships and mutual attraction, she writes, are based on the gender binary, which stems from the duality of ying
and yang, or some unspeakable evil. But humanity says it’s a biological
construct: penis vs, vagina, chest hair vs,. breasts, beard vs. long hair….
Male plugs into female like the key into lock, and as a product of that
coupling, babies get punched out. Those who don’t fit into the traditional
gender categories are cast into the
freezing cold waters outside the line of demarcation, into an even wider
demarcated zone.
Against this negativity, however, Qiu
Miaojin peoples her novel with characters who are gender fluid and who extend friendship
to each other as they inhabit this wider demarcated zone, creating their own structures
of love and loyalty, their own alternative queer family. The burgeoning gay
scene of the period is described in terms that are remarkably prescient. When
Lazi visits an underground club with a male friend, he tells her: Those people are all genderless. Or maybe I
should say, they’re opposed to being bound by simplistic signifiers of gender….and
in another conversation, one of the characters drunkenly proposes that they all
try to establish post-gender relations with each other. Family and gender are
aligned towards the end when Lazi’s friend Meng Sheng tells her: We come from a long line of deviants
throughout history, a queer alternative to the ancestors that are an
essential part of every Taiwanese family.
The form of the novel now starts to make
more sense against this exploration of ‘existentialism with Chinese
characteristics’ that is the main theme of the work. 手記 literally translates as ‘hand notes’. The book has all the
appearance of having been written on the hoof, but this is merely an artifice,
one that has been constructed to convey the impression of having being written
on the hoof, a performance before the
eyes of the world. In this it has much in common with European and American
existentialist texts.
A close parallel in Western literature
would be to that other great teeny angst bildungsroman, The Catcher in the Rye, with which Notes of a Crocodile shares a sense of outrage against the fakeness
of an adult world, a sense of disgust against societal norms, and a similar
freewheeling cynical style. Like death,
college serves as a kind of escape hatch. But while death takes you straight to
the morgue, college is a single rope dangling loose from the inescapable net of
society. Like Notes of a Crocodile,
Catcher in the Rye is a performance.
Written by a thirty two year old man as an extended exercise in a literary
technique known as skaz, this novel has often been mistaken for a cry of
authenticity, and the unsophisticated (or simply the very young) often mistake
Holden Caulfied’s rants as ‘the real thing’. Likewise, Dostoevsky’s Notes from Underground, and Sartre’s Nausea, both good examples in view of
Lazi’s existentialism, also purport to be authentic cries of a tortured soul.
But these novels are only posing as such; their real purpose is to render
through artistic means a philosophical position. Their first person narrative
and fragmentary form is literary Expressionism, not to be mistaken for the
author’s voice and personal experience, but to be read as the expression of a
fictional creation. It’s this quality of spurious authenticity that gives these
works their great power and status as works of fiction, or in the words of Jean
Cocteau, ‘the lie that tells the truth.’
But there are also parallels in modern
Chinese literature for the performance of authenticity. Notes of a Crocodile has much in common with the famous story by
Ding Ling, The Diary of Miss Sophie,
which also poses as diary/notes, and of course Lu Xun’s Diary of a Madman is another example. Confucius in his commentary
on the Five Chinese Classics praised the three hundred poems in the Book of Songs as having thoughts never twisty. Modern Chinese literature
on the contrary has always valued twisty thoughts – or unconventionalised soul
baring - as a sign of authenticity with which writers can confront the artifice
of the classical tradition. Wang Dan, the Tiananmin dissident, reveals this
when he writes of Qiu Maiaojin’s work that its
excruciating revelation of the author’s innermost self […] is after all what
makes the magic of literature. What makes the magic of this particular
novel is that Notes of a Crocodile
ambiguates the boundary between authenticity and performance: it’s both notes
and a novel about notes.
It’s this ambiguity, allowing us to read
the novel as direct expression, and at the same as directed Expressionism, that
has largely accounted for the status of Qiu Miaojin’s work on the Taiwanese
cultural and literary scene. Winner of the Central Daily News Short Story Prize, the United Literature Association Award, and the China Times Honorary Prize
for Literature, her work appears on college syllabuses, and is the subject of
numerous dissertations. But amongst the general republic of readers she has
inspired rock bands, pop songs, dance pieces, blog tributes, video tributes,
internet discussion groups, and a feature length documentary. There is even a
high school kid reading from her work on Youtube.
It’s hard to resist the temptation to allow the knowledge of her suicide
at the age of 26 in Paris in 1995 to infect one’s reading of the text. In her
last novel, Last Words from Montmartre, also
published by NYRB Classics, the line between authenticity and performance is
even more difficult to place. In that book the Rimbaud element is more to the
fore, as translator Ali Larissa Heinrich notes in his excellent Afterword, and
it’s virtually impossible to read it as anything other than as notes of a
pathology, or as one long extended suicide note. Death and suicide does form a
persistent minor whisper throughout the text of Notes of a Crocodile, but ultimately, Qiu Miaojin ends this work on
a note of hope and uplift.
Admitting I have problems is a mode of optimism, since
every problem has a solution. Unhappiness is a lot like bad weather; it’s out
of your control. So if I encounter a problem that even death can’t solve, I
shouldn’t care whether I’m happy or unhappy, thereby negating both the problem
and the problem of a problem. And that is where happiness begins.